So I had to go to the gynecologist yesterday. I know, I know I warned you. Keep scrolling down if you do not want to hear about my vagina..
Some of you know I am an LPN, so I have seen hundreds of humans naked, all shapes and sizes. Honestly, you never think twice about it. Seen one naked person, seen them all.
So why does it bother me to go to the gynecologist?
I arrived yesterday at the scheduled time, and was happy they were behind schedule. I can sit and read a magazine without being climbed on, telling children to stop climbing on the office chairs, chasing children down the hallways. (Dear Husband left work early to come home, and hold the fort down.) I am a lady of leisure reading a very old edition of Parents magazine. They call my name about 15 minutes later, and I walk in only to hear my Dr. Has been called away to a c-section. The nurse tells me "you will have to reschedule". I quickly answer "I am not rescheduling, it already took me 2 months to get in here today." So they find me an appointment with another Dr.
The first order of business is this.
Nurse: get on the scale hon."
Me: (*taking lint out of pockets, exhaling as much air, and thinking skinny.....Climb on)
Nurse: (*screws around with the scale for what seems like an eternity, then announces my weight with a bullhorn.)
Me: (*hearing cheers from the back,and money exchanging hands. Someone must have guessed my weight properly and won the office pool)
Nurse: Well you have lost weight, since your last visit.
Me: It was about 17 months ago, and I just had the baby...I certainly hope so.
Nurse: Come over here, and we will get your blood pressure.
Me: (*I am still freaking out about my weight, I haven't weighed myself for a year, and honestly expected a lower number....I am mourning my 123 pre-baby frame.)
Nurse: Follow me.
Nurse: Take off your clothes, and put this gown on with the opening facing front, and put this little blanket over your lap.
Me: (*Feeling much better about myself now in this gown and thin blanket.)
In walks a male Dr.
Me: (*motherfucker.....I had stuff to discuss with the Dr. I am not sure if I want to discuss this with him)
Dr: Nice to meet you I am Dr. So and So, puts hand out.
Me: (* Try and act secure and professional as well, as I sit half naked on this huge roll of paper towels, on this elevated table.)
Dr: So you are here for your annual exam? Any other problems?
Me: Actually there are a couple of other things, I am having painful periods, and some painful intercourse around my period.
Dr: How painful are your periods?
Me: Well I was taking 800mg of Motrin 4 times a day, and 1000mg of Tylenol every 8 hours.
Dr: That is too much.
Me: I am aware.
Dr: When are you having the pain during intercourse?
Me: (*Trying to act professional and mature) It is positional.
Me: (*Thinking...Oh come-on...You so know what I am going to say) Mostly when I am on top, but it only happens right before my period.
Dr: What kind of birth control are you on?
Dr: Have you thought about the shot, or the patch or the ring?
Me: (*Thinking ring? I don't think I want a "ring" in my vagina) No, I really hadn't thought of it.
Dr: Well the shot may just make your periods cease, with the patch, we can schedule it so you only have 4 periods a year.
Me: Side effects?
Dr: How old are you?
Me: (*crap, isn't it written in my chart?) 34
Dr: How much do you weigh?
Me: Didn't they write it down, after the announcement?
Dr: Oh I see it. Well lets go ahead with your exam, and I will let you think about this. Let me get a nurse in here.
Me: Ok,(* lying back on this table, wondering if I am far enough down, or if I will have to scoot 2 feet?)
Dr: Can you scoot your bottom down a bit?
Me: (*Scooting down with a 500 watt light shining on my business, legs in stirrups, how humiliating this is, and staring at the ceiling)
Dr: So how old are your children now?
Me: (*Staring at the ceiling, and flinching every once in a while) 3 years old and 18 months.)
Dr: Everything looks alright, you may have some bleeding today.
Me: (*still staring at ceiling.)
Dr: Go ahead and get dressed, and think about the birth control options I gave you, and try and make a decision.
Me: Ok, thanks. (Thanks.....)
So I dress as fast as possible, and wait for the next knock.
Me: Come in.
Dr: Have you decided on anything?
Me: I guess I will try the patch.
Dr: I will go get you some samples, and a prescription.
Dr: Here you go, let us know how this works, and it was nice meeting you.
Me: Nice meeting you as well.
You know only a Dr. Could say nice meeting you, after hearing about your period, painful sex, and looking at your vagina under a 500 watt spotlight.
He hands me the package of samples, and the lady on the box is in some sort of yoga. Ballet pose. I am wondering if she is dancing because she only has 4 periods a year.