Saturday, April 30, 2005

For those who are about to be reunited......

I was reminded this week that part of the reason I initially started this "journal" of mine, was as a sort of therapy for me.. When I told my husband about it, he said maybe it would not only help me, but maybe some other wife. So today I am trying to channel those feelings I felt about a month before my husband came home, and try and share them.

You have both been operating on adrenaline, caffeine, and cortisol...For several months. If you are like us we hate that. We both do great under pressure, however we both hate drama. Lets face it a combat zone is high drama, high adrenaline. You watch the news every second when the babies are asleep, you scan the internet for ANYTHING. You jump every time the phone rings, every time the doorbell chimes. So for months both of you haven't slept worth a darn, and were worried a lot. It seemed to me that when I got the word they were working on the "de-mobilization" process I just started "de-mobilizing". I was trying to get all of that anxiety, cortisol, adrenaline out of head and body. I do recall however I felt odd at the time. I was having a hard time gaining focus. Which was odd I am normally a very focused person. I would go to the store and see friends, and other wives and they would be planning big parties and jumping up and down, and sewing the family matching patriotic outfits....I felt oddly "numb". I was terrified. I felt like I was already drowning taking care of the 3 of us, and thought surely a fourth might do me in. I thought he would be disappointed that I had not gotten my self imposed list of home improvements done. The lawn went to hell (which we are both fanatics about), because I didn't get out to water it, my flower bed in the back was full of weeds. He hadn't seen me for months, the last time we were living together I was 7 months pregnant. The baby weight was not all gone, I was on my final month of breastfeeding. I was trying to grow my hair back after having it all chopped off before the deployment. I hadn't slept for more than 4 hours at a shot for the last 18 months....and that was a good night. To add insult to injury I had heard about the wives who had lost 40 pounds, had been tanning, had teeth bleached...and they looked so great no one could even recognize them any longer...damn...I was terrified. Not to mention the fact that I had been celibate for the last year and a half.

About a month out my husband calls me, and I just tell him "I am scared of this anxious feeling I have. I should be all excited, but I am scared and I can't focus, I am afraid you will be sooo disappointed." My husband without missing a beat says "baby, are you ok?" "Are the babies happy?" "Because that is all that matters." It was a great thing to say, he assured me he had "not spent any time worried about me not handling managing the finances and the house". That made me proud. He than said he was anxious and scared too, he was having similar feeling. Looking back I think perhaps the fact that we had not fought or argued during the entire deployment, and we were worried about somehow ruining all of the sweetness and kindness. Let' face it, you are going to argue when you live together. I think there was also this. We were essentially a different family than when he saw us last. Dash was 22 months when his Daddy left, not speaking much. "Pink Ninja" was practicing her martial arts in my tummy. We knew how it worked with 3 of us, but what about 4? My husband was worried about separating from his new family, his brothers...They had been through a lot together. What would he do without them?

Guess what, it was one of the most enlightening discussions we had ever had. "I am scared", "me too". Opened up this entire dialog of what we wanted for each other, and how this 18 months is hard. It is hard to go without someone hugging you and kissing you everyday. Your skin begins to ache after a time. You are in love. This is what matters.

So ladies...Or gentlemen, please do not worry about all of the things that really don't matter. I promise your spouse will not go around and make sure all of the curtains are cleaned and pressed. He or she will not look under beds and gather dust bunnies. It is not going to bother him that the "wheat" color you painted the bedroom is more green and yellow. He will not be repulsed by the 10 pounds you are carrying around. He will be thrilled you finally bought the 1200 thread count sheets you wanted. He will laugh at the magic marker (you have not gotten around to painting) on the bedroom door. He will be amazed....

He or she will think you and the children are the most beautiful site he has seen in months. You will take one look at him and forget all that you were worried about. So take a deep breath, and remember what is important. Everyone is "happy" and "ok".

Friday, April 29, 2005

Karnival of Kidz...

"Dash" the zoo visiting the other monkeys. Posted by Hello

"Pink Ninja".....painting a self portrait. Posted by Hello

Look Hot and Support a Great Cause.....

Mr. Blackfive had a great idea. He wants all of us to look hot, while donating the net to Soldiers Angels....who really have been ANGELS.....

Go over buy a shirt for your wife in a size smaller than she would normally wear!

Rain rain go away

It is a great day to curl up with a book. Rainy and dreary, a little on the cool side, thunder and lightening. These are really my favorite kind of days. I open the doors and windows so I can smell the rain coming in. The kids like the thunder and lightening and I am glad. They look, listen, giggle and run. We are still in our pajamas today. I do not want to get dressed on these kinds of days. I wish I had a screened-in porch so we could sit out in it, without getting cold and wet.

Seems odd really, I used to hate storms, I was terrified of them as a child. My Mom would shut up the house and the sirens would blare. The elderly neighbor lady Pearl would come over crying and bring her rosary. We would spend hours sitting under the pool table in the basement. Not just for tornado season either, we would hide from the storms. My Mom would run a tub full of water, and wouldn't let us touch the phone. She would bring a flashlight and a small radio.

I am not sure how old I was, but I recall thinking the sirens meant the Army was patrolling the streets for bad guys. I really did. I remember going to the Fourth of July Parade and seeing the Military men marching in front of the tanks and being plain afraid. Thinking I sure hope the sirens didn't go off while we were outside with them. I was so scared I wouldn't even look at them.

So I sit here in the rain smiling, and thinking of all of the times I cried through storms as a little girl. How terrified I was of nothing, and how odd it is that I married one of those men I thought came out when the sirens blared.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

The Broken Heart Supper Club

It looks like I will be hosting a dinner for the broken hearted next Thursday. On the menu will be something like meatloaf, green beans, mashed potatoes and peach pie.

It will be odd having someone over who keeps saying "I feel like I know you and the kids", "I watched all of the videos of the babies, and loved hearing stories about them." I know very little about this man, all I know are his troubles. All he knows of me is my voice behind a camera filming babies that turned into toddlers...

So I will try and put my big ears on and my little mouth, if I can find it around here. I rarely wear my little mouth, maybe it is in the closet, with the winter things.

When my husband was in Desert Storm I recall something similar happening. In fact, out of all of the couple we knew. I think we are the only couple still married. The fallout of war, separation, time, and age is complicated. It requires a different set of rules. It requires a strong woman, and and an even stronger man.

Impressionism...and Momism....

I got to speak with Tammi yesterday!!! She was just on the road, going slow, lots of troopers. She was great to talk with. I think with Tammi, what you see is what you get. So she was very much like she is on her blog. She comes off as sharp, no nonsense, maternal, sexy, confident, and a let it rip I am ready kind of person. I hope I gathered my impression correct because I really liked her.

She got an ear load of fuss'in toddlers, and me screaming "no don't push", "stop
that"...and the like. Not exactly a great impression of moi. That's how it goes these days. You hope people can see through your freakish Momisms.

I did feel out of the loop a bit, I do not know the "family" yet, still feeling my way around. When I started this I didn't expect anyone would actually read it or care. I do wish I would have done it during the deployment. I could have used the support, and think you all would have been great.

If you talk to her, tell her to drive slow.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005


I just got a phone call. Came home, wife gone, kids gone, money gone.....He doesn't know where they are.

I listened and wanted to cry, didn't know what to say, have never met the guy. My husband served with him in Iraq. I asked him if there was anything we could do, he said no,I asked if he would come and eat a home cooked meal. I felt like a dumbass for offering food.

That is what I learned to do in the Midwest, even if someone suffers a death in the family...You take them a casserole.

What is the appropriate meal for a broken heart and spirit?

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Ouch Grouch

Well today is Tuesday. Dear Husband had his first day back at the office yesterday. I guess it was ok. You know guys, shhhh....They don't really go into detail like a female would. It was "ok". That is about all I got after his 18 month absence....."Ok"....Weird.

It was "our" first day alone in a while. Oh My God....I have no idea how I did this alone for 18 months, really. I really have no idea. I did have the added bonus of having no baby gate keeping them out of Kitchen. (Dear Husband had tripped over it Saturday night, and Sunday night. Sunday night after he fell, he kicked it.........So long baby gate.) It is a difficult gate to replace. It has to fit in a 6 foot entryway. So I spent half of the day policing "Pink Ninja" who by the way lived up to her name. Every time I went to the restroom, or made a bed, I could hear her moving dining room chairs so she could use them as ladders. She got into the pantry She was wild. The floor in the kitchen is that "hard" tile......I swear she is going to crack her skull open or worse knock her teeth out. (Then I will NEVER get my teeth fixed) She makes me nervous. You can sit her in time out, put her in baby jail (play pen...I don't have an actual jail.) She just doesn't give up, strong willed little girl. Be right back...I just had to confiscate my truck keys from her, she had my alarm going off.

I got back on my fitness wagon last night. I used to go to Pilates and Yoga 3 nights a week, until I was about 7 months pregnant and Dear Husband had to leave. Then I just didn't have the time, couldn't find a reliable sitter....Etc. My fitness just didn't feel important. So last night I had Pilates at 6pm-7pm. Yoga from 7pm-8pm. In my usual fashion I wouldn't want anyone thinking I was a pussy, so I kept up with the class. Now folks if you do the math on this.....I hadn't been to class for about 20 months..... Ask me how I got out of bed this am? Ask me how I am holding my arms to type. Fuck I hurt. I am going to have to live on Motrin today. I am in pain.

On a good note. I have taken the jump to give my number to my Blog Momma Tammi From what I read she loves the phone, and since she is going to be on the road I thought she may be able to use it. I cannot wait to talk to her, to hear her, and to meet my new friend. I have been waiting to meet her for a long time. I can't wait.

By the way...I have no clue what I managed to do to my blog, my links were not working, so I tried to fix it, which has really fucked things up. I have no idea how to fix what I have broken.....I know I is easy. When I have 2 hours to sit and read directions...hahahahahaha I will. Until then the blog is broke.....

The Breeders are at it again.....

Yes "the breeders" are at it again. I am insisting you stop over at the First Karnival of Kidz.....over at One Happy Dog Speaks. Look at all of the cuties. You can even see some photos of your favorite bloggers as children........

Sunday, April 24, 2005

In memorial

Please go visit the following today, look at each of the faces. Pray for the families left behind. Pray for their fellow soldiers, as they remember all of them today. I do hope these men know we are better because of them.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Arkansas Scottish Festival 2005

We spent the day in Batesville, Arkansas. It is the second oldest city in the state. Founded I believe in 1812. Also home to Lyons college, which sponsers the event year after year. It is a 3 day festival, with activity from morning until night.

Pink and Dash had a great time listening to the bands, and loved all of the music. Both seem to like the drums the best, and practiced on the edge of the wagon. The children also liked the shearing displays. The hearding dogs.....and the delicious oatmeal cookies.

It was a lovely way to spend the day.

On the march. Posted by Hello

Battle of the bands, Scottish style. Posted by Hello

Nothing says family fun like swords, and kilts..... Posted by Hello

Friday, April 22, 2005

"Pink Ninja" on her First Halloween....look at those itty bitty teeth. Posted by Hello

This is Dash in his very "formal" spider costume........2004. Posted by Hello

Reality Check

This is my husbands last 3 days off before it is back to the "real world". He was on his leave, and then he took "Paternity leave" from his full time position. We have been having such a great time as a family. We have been taking turns sleeping in, going to the park, having coffee on the patio in the morning, smooching. Monday it will end. Damn.

I know it had to end sooner or later, but it really seems like he has been home for 2 weeks. Really, it has gone by that fast. Yesterday, we went to the zoo, and had a picnic, and took our time. Last night we put Pink and Dash in the stroller, and went for a walk. It has been so nice. The little things.....Like waking up and seeing his face, and feeling his weight next to me, not worrying about his safety every single minute of the day.

Some of the guys did not have the luxury of any leave, some had family emergencies, some have been to work for weeks. Some guys had such a hard time being "at home", they went back to work early. Coming home is not always good or easy, like you want it to be.

I do not want Monday to come. I wanna sit here and watch movies until 1am, and make out on the couch. I want to wear my robe until 10am. I want to watch Dear husband butter toast for Dash and Pink. We are having such a good time.......Just five more minutes.

Thank You!!

I have to put a thank you post up today...
Tammi, over at Road Warrior Survival/ Tammis World...... so glad you got the job. I am praying all else falls into place. I thank you for all you continue to do, for me....and everyone else. Your maternal instinct is great......and if you take care of yourself like you do everyone that knows will be fine.
To my Blog Grampy Harvey At Bad Example for all of his links over the past couple of weeks, and helping me with my "Female" blogging event. I have noted he does a ton of work with the blog family. Besides all of the tech help he offers, he makes sure to pop in on EVERYONE and make sure they get a supportive nudge almost daily. Besides having his own blog he is guest blogging over at IMAO. I don't know where he is finding the time. I am glad I got such a great Grampy. It is also nice to know I am not the only sicko....
Lastly....Mr. Blackfive... A thank you too , again for the link the other day. It increased my traffic, and it was fun to have so many new readers stop by. I also have enough of an ego that the mention did make me jump up and down a bit. I think I mentioned before that Blackfive was the only way I could sleep some nights while husband was deployed. It made me feel safe someone other than the MSM was watching out for our fighting men and women.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

House Rules

The following is a list of rules my 3 year old "Dash" likes to tell anyone who will listen. He is hyperlexic, and has an affinity for signs. He loves words, order, has a great memory, and an even better sense of humor.

Number 1.) No shooting water
Number 2.) No chewing tobacco
Number 3.) There is no fight club (quickly followed by yes there is a fight club.)
Number 4.) No Diving
Number 5.) No children allowed
Number 6.) Exit

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Perfection, Identity theft...And in between

If you are one of those Moms that shows up at the Dr.'s office with your hair perfectly "did", toenails painted, matching "dry clean only" outfit, baby sleeping while you carry them in, and smiling. Or if you are one of those Mom's at the park with 4 little ones all in coordinating outfits, with a complete picnic basket full of nutricious treats, peeled grapes, and the like....I hate you.....

I guess I am not good at this Mom thing, as much as I love it. I just can't seem to get it together. I quit my job to stay at home with the babies. I really thought it could not be that hard. God has a great sense of humor, he really does. For everytime I said "if my kid acted like that, I would __________. (insert great "non parent" parenting advice here) . The favor has been returned 3 fold. Just a warning for you non- parents that do intend on having children, shhhhhh, don't say a word. Just smile and shut your mouth, karma is a bitch.

I love my babies, I do. I love how flawless their little skin is, and listening to them breath so soft at night, I love watching them discover a new bug, or watching a leaf dance through the yard. I love the sticky hands on my face, and smoochy lips, and giggles. I even love scrubbing the yogurt out of Pink Ninjas hair.

But there are days, where after wiping food off of the floor, (after just mopping it) for what seems like the bazillioninth time..... When I scrub out the tub all morning and the bathroom looks clean and great, and during bath time someone poops in it. I just want to throw in the towel, and say Uncle.

I was at church the other day meeting some of Dear Husbands friends for the first time. I had on one of my best suits, and heels, hair did. I tried looking great, and tried engaging in great conversation. However I kept having to go chase Dash, or have Pink Ninja spit whatever is in her mouth in my hand. I had to pick food off of the floor. I had to interject "no", "stop" , "don't do that", "what did I say?" into several conversations. I did do it without skipping a beat.

On the drive home I suddenly felt robbed. The narcissist and ego maniacal self got in the way.....and I was worried about their impression of me. All of the interruptions, and hands filled with half chewed food, and debris. The "no's " mid-sentence. The trying to have a conversation, but never looking anyone in the eye anymore because you are trying to locate at least one of the children. I wanted to make sure those people knew. I am a real witty and fun lady, I am a good dancer, and like good jokes, I like to sit in the sun, I like hiking and great books. I don't always have macaroni in my hair, and I know more words than no, sippy cup, and I don't ask random people if they have to use the potty....

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

"Kung-Fu date movie", yes I just typed that......

Dear Husband went and bought House of Flying Daggers, for at "home date night". (Which by the way is almost every night when you have toddlers.) I was pleasantly surprised with this movie. Terribly romantic I thought. Yes I just typed that too. A romantic kung fu movie, yup. I liked the story, beautiful fighting choreography, and cinematography.

Sunday meetin' clothes,and Southern hospitality

This past Sunday we were invited to my husbands Chaplain' church, it is an hour away. They were having a welcome home ceremony for all of the men in the 39th, but mostly for their Pastor whom they had missed so dearly. I might add here, this Chaplain did a great job at providing spiritual care for my husband while he was away.

We are both from the Midwest, my husband grew up in a practicing Lutheran Family, I grew up in a RLDS family. No one talks out loud in our churches, not even a single amen. It was our first time at a Baptist church, actually it was a "Second Baptist Church". I am not sure what makes it "second". Next time I see the Chaplain I will ask. This is the first time I went to a church where there was someone named Cleta, and Coyse (pronounced...coy-zee).

The church did a great job on welcoming the men and women home. I had a real hard time making it through the first part of the service. Choking on tears and occupying myself with the "Pink Ninja". Recalling once more how lucky I am to have him home. How difficult "18 months" was for both of us. We have already picked up and started moving forward without much thought or discussion on the 18 months. When I sit and meditate at all on it, it breaks my heart that Dear Husband has missed so much.

After church the ladies auxiliary group put out one of the most fantastic pot-lucks I have ever seen. Every table was decorated with table clothes, and decorated with a patriotic theme. They seriously went to a lot of effort. The food.......Oh my. Lets just say the Baptists are a competitive bunch. It appeared that every woman tried to out do the next. I also am still curious as to how they kept a 30 foot table of hot food, HOT, and a 30 foot long table of cold food Cold. The desert table.......Triple layer cakes on pedestals with beautiful icing, pecan pie, peach cobblers, banana pudding, it was gorgeous.

We are not all day Sunday church goers. We are hour or maybe 2 hour church people. We did not see much of that "all day" up North. We have noted it down here, mostly at the Baptist churches. They have a full parking lot from sun up to sun down. Now I know why they are there all day..... We had a great time in fellowship with these people and someone has to stay and eat that all of that good Southern cooking.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Cheater cheater pumpkin eater....

Ok, I blogged briefly about this the other day.

The cheater.

He was a great friend of ours. He is married. His wife is not one of my favorite people, but still.

There is NO EXCUSE for cheating...None. If you want to go fuck someone else, at least have the dignity and BALLS to do the following.
1) get a divorce.
2) tell your wife you want to fuck someone else, so she can divorce you.
3) don't tell people, we REALLY didn't want to know.

So yesterday, while at church. Yes he showed up to church with his wife on his arm. I sat confused about the entire affair. I am confused and angry. It is not my place to judge his actions......I know. BUT this is killing me.

I need your advice readers....What am I to do? I want to sit down with cheater over a drink and tell him what I think of his ass. I really do. I do not know why I think I deserve a say, but I have a need to tell him this is ethically and morally wrong. I want to tell him I think he is a pussy for doing this in such a sly and shitty manner. I also need to figure out if I need to tell his wife. What do I do.

Being an adult does suck Bou.......

Friday, April 15, 2005

Taxxxing Day.........

Today is April 15, and it was an emotionally taxing day.

A friend of ours came over today, we sat out side on this beautiful evening had some iced tea, and watched the babies play.......and poof. Have you ever thought you knew someone and were disappointed, I mean really truly disappointed? Thought you knew someone was a good person that made good and kind choices, and found out differently?

I knew something was up, my gut is always right. I need to trust my gut.

Damn I am sad, because I lost a friend. I do not like cheaters..........................

Thursday, April 14, 2005

More toddler blogging......

Dash: "I want juice"

Me: "say please"

Dash: "Please may I have some juice" in a sweet sing song voice and batting his baby boy long lashes.

Me: "Thank you" pouring juice.......

Dash: "Thank you Mrs. Incredible." runs off with his sippy cup.........

Pink Ninja: Runs up grabs sippy cup, runs 25 miles an hour hides and drinks all of its contents.

Dash: Crying and upset that I did not do a better job protecting his juice.
Finds his sister and empty sippy cup. Falls apart and lays on the floor.

Dash: "Mrs. Incredible, she drank it all, it is all gone, check her testicles."

Me: "Girls don't have testicles, and calm down I will get you more juice."

Dash: "They do have testicles."

You know he is right, some women I know do have pretty big testicles.

Haircut 100

"Buzz"....or "Dash", he has changed his name. (He turned 3 in January). He and Army Dad watched The Incredibles while I was in Tunica. So now.....
Daddy---Mr. Incredible
Mommy---Mrs. Incredible
Pink---Baby Jack Jack
I know, I know. I also know he won't even acknowledge if we call him his "REAL" name.

Dash, is scared to get his haircut. He is scared of a lot of things...unlike his younger sister who is fearless. This started when a man used an electric razor, without telling him once. So he has been running around looking gorgeous for 3 years. Pretty, fine, white, hair, that was long for "boy hair".

I have taken him to every salon in town, kicking and screaming. I think they have our picture in every salon in town now, with a warning below. I have even paid tremendous amounts of money to have people come to the house to trim it.

I had told my stylist Nula about our problem several times. She said she could do it no problem. However I kept having visions of him screaming and freaking. I broke down and took him to my salon yesterday. I have never taken him to my salon. I thought they might ban me, or worse talk about us for weeks when we left. I bribed him with a "soda". He loves soda....It is a big treat at our house. I bring him in to the shop making that "oh my God face, that be careful he might freak face."

Dash runs right in the shop hugs and KISSES Nula, my stylist, and says "hi I am Dash, so nice to meet you." Mind you he had never met Nula. He kisses her, requests a Sprite, and gets his haircut. So of course I get the "I sure don't know what you were worried about".........speech. I am sure you Moms out there have gotten this before.

I can't help but wonder if his new persona gave him the confidence to brave through this haircut, or if he just changed his mind about it. I guess I will never know.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

We are on our way to the Circus.......

We are on our way to the circus, "Buzz" (Who is now referring to himself as "Dash" has never been, neither has "Pink Ninja". I cannot think of a better group of people I would rather spend my time with. We will be dining on cotton candy and snow cones.......A nice anniversary treat.

14 years ago today at this moment and time......

Dear fiance' was on his way back to my apartment with a bouquet. It was beautiful, I had forgot about flowers. It was overcast and drizzley out, much like today.

April 13th 1991.......

Dear Husband and I were married. There is so much that needs to be said, and I cannot find the words. I will spend the day thanking God, and smooching on Dear Husband, looking at photos, and recalling every minute of the day 14 years ago.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

1 week after we were married. Dear Husband had just returned home from Desert Storm. 14 years ago. Very young and very tired. We were at Dear husbands Grandmas house. I could look at this photo all day.  Posted by Hello

Army Wife and Dear Husband at Dear Husbands college graduation. This was a great day for us.......a proud day. We had just finished putting Dear Husband through college. We had both worked full time, and had no student loans. He was the second person to graduate college from his family. Posted by Hello

Army Wife and Dear Husband hiking in Colorado. This was near the Continental Divide. One of my favorite trips with Dear Husband. We hiked for 5 days, and then went to Vegas for 5 days. Posted by Hello

Thanks to my Blog Momma Tammi I have curtains!!

Thank you very much for the anniversary gift of "curtains".......(the blogroll). Dear husband helped hang them.
Thanks Mom.........

Tommorow is my 14th wedding anniversary

I am trying to figure out how to post a photo for tommorow. I wish I could post a photo of every smile, and every blessing.

I wake up every morning and Thank God before I put my feet on the floor. I know I am blessed.

When my Mother was sick with her colon cancer and her metastatic brain tumors my husband was my safe place and my rock. If the phone rang at 2:30 in the morning, he would draw me a bath and pack my bags, load the truck and proceed to drive the 12 hours to get me there. He did it with grace and chivalry. He would then turn around and make the return drive without me. Only to have another 12-15 hour day at work.

I ended up quitting my job and temporarily relocating to Nebraska to care for her. Even though we were not sure we could afford it. He kept telling me....."Do what you can live with in 10 years"......"If that means you need to take care of your Mom, then thats what you do." My Mother was young 57, and wanted to die at home. He allowed it even though he knew he would have to pick up the peices of me, and help me put them back together. He was the one who had to listen to my crying, and my exhaustion......and my dread. He was the one that knew it was my way of forgiving her and me. My Mom was not always a great Mom to me.

I did take care of my Mother, I had to. Dear Husband knew that.

I remember Dear Husband visiting us, and my Mom was weak and had to sit on the commode. I could not do it alone. He helped me get her out of bed, helped set her ont he commode, and then he sat on the bed and just talked to her like they were having coffee. This is something that normally would have horrified them both............and as bothersome as it is to share this very intimate moment........with is imperative that I do share it.

I remember watching that moment and my heart growing, so big that it hurt me. In that moment I saw his true self, and felt the guilt for everytime I said an unkind word, or barked at him for leaving his socks on the floor, or yelled at him for being late..................

He is a selfless and thoughtful man. The best kind of man. He is the kind of man you want to father your children. You want your daughter and son to be lucky enough to have a Daddy like that.

The phone has been ringing off the hook since his return home, his "men" he was deployed with miss him something terrible. They tell me how lucky they felt to have him there with them, they tell me more stories of his selflessness. They want to make sure that I know how lucky I am.

I do.

Monday, April 11, 2005

You know the type....

Here is the thing about "the douchebag" from the last post.

I just forget there are people out there that feel entitled to "be douchebags".

I know it really had nothing to do with "me".

The reason it left me with such a bad "funk".....I AM 34, I honestly thought people almost 40 wouldn't act 14. The fact his behavior was so prepubescent was SHOCKING to me. Really.

I am ok.....Really. I am usually great at asserting myself, and am fierce. However I was so ready to have a great time, and relaxed.........I had my guard down.

I also know this sherbert polo shirt, uniformed "pack o weenies"......"pack o douchebags"....exist. (More on that another time) so I know the type.

I simply forgot these "pack o weenies", get drunk and act like suburban 14 year old Daddy's boys and verbally accost females to prove they have penises.

You wanna know something else?

I am hot for someone almost 40........

Why do douchebags come in sixpacks?

So I am on my first girls only weekend trip ever. My first vacation in at least 6 years. My girlfriends and I are standing in front of my hotel awaiting a shuttle. Remember one of my girlfriends I am with is 57 Scottish, stout, she is on this girlfriend weekend because her husband has emphysema. She is tired. My other girlfriend is 43, she has 5 children. Her youngest has Downs syndrome, and autism........She too is tired. So we are standing in front of the hotel.....With about 30 other people.

Up pulls a Suburban, out pour at least 6 drunk 30 somethings. They are all sunburned and have been out golfing all day. All with sherbert colored golf polos and shorts, and little khaki golf baseball caps. They are all stumbling and loud.

Automatically I know they are trouble, I just know it. I have seen these types in action before.

So I stare ahead expressionless.....and then it happens.

One of these douchebags gets about a foot in front of my face and says... "Your hot"................."for someone almost 40". He stumbles away snickering, with the rest of his douchebag friends.

So I am left standing there shocked. Feeling like I did when I was 14, and boys said mean things. Standing in my t-shirt and blue jeans and tevas, with my Mom haircut. Wondering what I did to deserve to be humiliated in front of my friends and strangers. Wanting to go to my hotel room and cry. We had been in town for an hour. One hour.

"Hello welcome to your vacation, I know you have not had one in at least 6 years. I know you have spent the last 18 months scared to death that your husband might not come home. You have not had painted nails in 5 years. This vacation is a big deal to you. This vacation was supposed to make me feel pretty again. You have been looking forward to it, you are not rich. This is a BIG DEAL. This 2 1/2 days is a luxurious treat, that may not come again for another 6 years."

"You are hot, for someone almost 40"

Douchebags are never alone are they?

despite my appearance I do have good manners.......

I am finding my shaggy unkempt appearance is makeing me look rude here at ArmyWifeToddlerMom.

Big Faux Paus, no blogroll, no links etc.

My Dear Blog Mom Tammi, at was nice enough to send be the blogroll done........with simple instructions I might add. Simple to everyone but me. I know I know. I will spare you the self depricating remarks.......insert your own here._________________.

I have been in healthcare since I was 15, very little computer experience. Think of this for a moment. Give your Grandma a computer....yeah.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Get your hair did .......

So I am sitting At the Ballisimo Spa, getting a pedicure. Which is something I have never had done. I know, I know.

Meet Peggy, a blonde 50 something cosmostologist.

Plantinum blonde, big hair. Pretty hair...if you like showy hair. Face done up. I ask Peggy a bit about herself. She is 4 times divorced, married one of them twice. She adds to this she is "happily divorced". Her accent is thick as Mississippi mud, and Southern sweetened tea. Peggy has a shop out in the country where she does hair, and pedicures and manicures, in addition to her position at the spa. I imagine it to look like Dolly Partons shop in Steel Magnolias. I find out Peggy likes CSI, and forensics shows. She has a son with special needs. I find out we have both lost our Mothers to cancer and we bothed cared for our Mothers. We talk about how we find it silly that people find death so shocking and odd. Since it really is something we all do eventually. I go off on my tagent about how people don't understand death like we used to. (I have had years of hospice experience...and find it fulfilling) People used to care for dying family, care for the dead body, have the veiwing in the livingroom, many families used to take photos of their dead family, dying used to be part of living. It seems separate now. Peggy tells me she took photos of her Mom in her coffin. Peggy says, "she looked beautiful" I did her hair and make up, she looked like Alexis Carrington", she is smiling as she is talking. I tell her my Mom looked beautiful when she died to. She finally looked happy. Fighting cancer for 2 1/2 years can wear a woman out. I tell Peggy I changed my Moms lipstick at the funeral parlor, because they had put ,old lady pink on her. My Mom would have been so pissed if I let her be veiwed with "old lady pink" on her lips. I remember taking the lipstick out of my purse, and asking the mortician if I could fix it. I also take my fingers and brush them through her bangs. The chemo and radiation did a number on my Mothers once beautiful hair. I try and make it look like she did it herself.

Peggy sees my face in thought and asks..."Does she visit you in your dreams?" I say "Yes". She giggles and tells me that she has dreamed of running into her Mother at Wal-Mart, and she looks like Alexis Carrington, and is pushing a "buggy". Her Mother tells her Heaven is great and she will love it, her Mother then proceeds to give her all of the change out of her coin purse, which she always did if she saw her at Walmart. I tell Peggy I dreamt I saw my Mother in Colorado, and she looked great. My Mom is standing in the sun looking tan and wearing yellow said to me "I am not really dead."

Peggy says...."I just love that she said that."

Friday, April 08, 2005

The winner is.......

I am headed out in about 2 hours, to Tunica. I have no idea what is in store for me there. I just need some "down" time.

My husband let me sleep in this am. He fed the "Pink" and "Buzz". He dressed them, and played with them. He is taking the baby seats out of the back of the truck, and cleaning out all remanents from Nebraska trip. Stray french fries, bibsters, stuffed animals, and childrens books. He is making sure my music is installed and ready.

He has never been alone with the children, I am not worried one bit. He has jumped in and done great. Despite my "micromanaging". I know I need to sit back, and let him fly with them. However after being "it" for 18 months, you begin to think you are the only one that really knows. So I am going to let tham fly, and have fun. A Daddy only weekend, a dream for all involved.

I am a lucky woman, I know. Does anyone know how to nominate such a man for husband of the year?

Husband of the year award........

Thursday, April 07, 2005

"Do these balloons blow up into funny shapes?"..."If round is funny"(answer inside)

Dear Husband and I are sitting here tonight sans toddlers. They are both sleeping like angels right now. Yeah!! We were having one of our list discussions. We have these a lot. Tonights discussion started with Top 3 MASH episodes. I am not a big MASH I changed the topic to suit me. Favorite line from a movie. Husband got irritated that my subject was broad, he didn't say that but after almost 14 years one can tell. He hates to commit to a favorite line, there are too many of them. He says he might be able to make a list of 40.

What is your favorite line?

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Choppers and boob jobs

Dear Husband and I were sitting on the sofa last night sans toddlers, looking for something to watch on TV. I swear the only thing on was "Chopper TV", and "Boob job TV". Oh Oh, and that crazy bounty hunter and his foxy wife. Does anyone else find this trend disturbing?

Smells like money

Everytime I go back home to my rural hometown on the "Great Plains"...I am suprised at the tidiness of the people. I am suprised to see the old churches in the center of towns, and that these towns some how still exist. I am surprised I grew up in such a matter of fact place. A place where people do talk, so you better watch your step. The wind blows hard all of the time, men have learned to walk with hats on hands free, and women learn to walk with a baby on their hip so the wind won't take the babies breath away. You can tell what time of the year it is by what the wind is carrying with it. In the just smells like dirt, snow, maybe burning wood, you can smell the steel mill from down the highway. In the summer in the heat I swear you can smell the alfalfa, and corn, and wheat.......and on some nights if you are unlucky the rendering works plant. In the fall you can smell burnt leaves......and drying ragweed and goldenrod, cut corn and hay. In the spring in smells like cow shit. I am 5 years old and in the back of my Dads Ford standing between the seats holding my nose, and I can hear my Dad saying "Smells like money", and I am squinting as the huge red sun sits on the highway.

I give it 0 stars

The Great Wolf Lodge......

is located in Kansas City, right next door to the Cabela's. For those of you who don't know Cabela's is an outdoorsmen's shopping Mecca. They specialize primarily fishing and hunting supplies, but have branched out into rustic housewares and the like.

Upon planning our family trip back to Nebraska my husband insists that a stop at Cabela's is imperative to his happiness as a sportsman. It seems like a small request, so I agree to an overnight stay.

The Great Wolf Lodge, is right next next door to Cabela's. It prides itself on being a family friendly Hotel and Water park. We stop on the way to Nebraska, which is during "spring break". We pull up to the hotel at 8pm and find the most inexpensive room available is $279.00, checkout is 11am. No military discounts given over the "spring break". We both agreed that $279, was too much for 15 hours at this hotel. We will find a Hampton Inn and stay there for the night, and try this hotel after "spring break".

On the return from Nebraska, we decide to stop at The Great Wolf Lodge and Water Park Hotel again. They have family jacquizzi suites for $219 a night. We have been on a dead run for the last 8 days and decide we deserve to treat ourselves, the kids also deserve some good clean waterpark fun.

The Hotel has everything located inside, which is a plus. Arcade, in room videogames, fireplaces in rooms, waterpark, movies, room service, a day spa. You can even drink beers and margueritas at the waterpark. This hotel is a great idea. While all of the Dads are over at Cabela's spending half of their paychecks on fly fishing and hunting gear, the Moms are half sloshed at the waterpark, planning a day at the spa.

This great idea of a hotel....Is simply that, a great idea. The service was terrible....I mean terrible. The waitress looked like she was a meth head on a seven day binge. I am not sure how they managed to screw up every food order we placed, but they did. We also had the jacquizzi suite, below a "kids camp" room. Which is just poor planning. 11pm rolls around and it sounds like the ceiling is going to cave in from kids jumping off of bunk beds. I did call the front desk 2 times, to no avail. The Mom from upstairs called me at 12:30, claiming she was the front desk, and told me they were all in bed.....what a nut.

My advice to those traveling through the Midwest...Skip the "Great Wolf Lodge".

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Texas Hold em.....

Conversation and thoughts between me and my husband, while at the Holidome in Grand Island, Nebraska.

Me: " We really should take the kids swimming, they deserve it."

D.H.: "You kids want to go swimming?"

Pink & Buzz: running around the room, panting and shrieking in delight.

I unpack the huggies swimpants, and the swimsuits, and we dress the children, they look great. They are excited, and if they had wings they would be flying.

Dear Husband and I proceed to dress.....
this is my first non bikini, my first non maternity swimsuit in 4 years. Yeah thats right, little tiny bikinis, to maternity, to a "mom suit". I spent an entire afternoon before the trip trying on swimsuits. It was one of the longest 1 1/2 hours of my life. A new body to dress. A new function for a swimsuit. I am no longer sitting in a chaise lounge drinking a marguerita and tanning. I need a mom suit. Swimsuits I can chase and bend in. A swimsuit to cover all of the pregnancy induced body changes.

I should add my new dressing theory here, before going any further. I am no longer a size 5 like I was for our entire marriage. I am "curvier now". My new theory is high heels, will make me look taller and thinner, also might as well show curves "on top" it will distract attention anywhere else. I am not sure if it works, but I am willing to try anything, until I can get this little extra off.

Anyway I choose a turquise halter takini, with a skirt on the bottem. It is a great suit, and expensive.....$$ but it looks like I can go play tennis, or go dancing.

So I am putting on this swimsuit in the hotel, and I am upset about the baby weight, and my age, and my husband is noticing my panic.

D.H. "You look great"

Me: "Do I look fat? Is this to low cut?"

D.H. : "You look great, you are beautiful."

Me: standing looking freaked..........

D.H. "baby, you look great, lets go ahead and take the babies swimming." " We are in Grand Island, Nebraska....not St. Tropez."

Me: standing looking freaked..............

D.H. "Babe, there is no one at this hotel."

Me: thinking.........ok ok I can do this, he is right, there is no one here, I am in Nebraska, I am 34 I am a one one will look.

So we head down the stairs to the pool, and guess what....... just guess......

The Hotel is hosting a Texas Hold-em tournament and every man in the tri-county area between the ages of 19-60 begin to parade through the hotel swim area. For the next 2 hours men are parading through and looking to see if there are any hot ladies at the pool, and just their luck, their is a Mom swimming with her babies in her Mom suit.

Holiday Inn the deep end

This will be a great post for some of you to read, others just aren't going to get it....Enjoy.

It is hard to find a "family" hotel these days, amidst the express and business hotels. I remember not too many years ago when the Holiday Inn, used to be a great family hotel. You could count on them to have a pool, golf, something for children that have been pent up in a car to do. This was before I had children, so I did not understand the importance of any of this.

We were in desperate need of a hotel, I could not stand another day of telling the children to get out of peoples drawers, showers, plants. I had been on recon for days, in a perpetual game of pick up things and put them where they belong. The children are really great, and they usually leave things alone, but after 7 days of being on display, riding in the truck, not being able to sleep well in strange beds.....We all needed a break.

We found a "Holidome" in Grand Island, Nebraska. I was thrilled. We call husbands Step Dad to let him know we are in town. Step Dad arrives at the hotel and we head down to let the kids hit some balls around. I must add here, both kids are great golfers, both love golf. Buzz Lightyear went through a golf phase at 20-30 months. He slept with clubs, wanted to watch golf on TV all of the time. Anyway...........We get the clubs and balls, and head to the course. Oh let me mention this, the course is situated right by the baby pool. We are all walking and talking, having a great time. Pink Ninja sees we are occupied with conversation, and in her 16 1/2 month old legs kick into gear and she sees the baby pool. We all see her see the pool, and we see her running, and we run, and she slips in between Dear Husband and I...And dives in Ninja style. Clothes on, no fear just dives in. Dear Husband retrieves Pink Ninja quickly. She is fine, but wet. Buzz Lightyear thinks this is all hilarious, discusses with all of us, that "she dives right in, with all of her clothes on", he laughs everytime he says it.

I have waited for the children to show their Dad, just how vigilant one has to be when with them. How quick and energized they are. Something to show him, this is why I look old, and tired.

Dear husband wraps Pink Ninja in a towel and gets her warm, and snuggles her, and kisses her. Explains to her, that we do not just jump in alone. He carries her up to the room and changes her, and hugs her. Combs her fine white wisps of hair. He knows exactly how vigilant one has to be, he is Daddy.

Monday, April 04, 2005


I am back at home. Vacation? What Vacation? Having 2 toddlers sheds an entirely different light on this, I love the toddlers they just have soooo much energy. Poor Mommy is simply worn out from the 18 months alone. We unpacked and packed at least 8 times in 10 days. Exhausting. You also start to wonder what you have left behind. You feel like a terrible guest because it is hard to help with meals, etc. You are just trying to keep "Buzz Lightyear", and "Pink Ninja" out of Grandmas pills, Grandpa Terrys cat food, Grandpa Ara's stairwell (which by the way "Pink Ninja fell down"), out of the Holiday Inn pool ("Pink Ninja dove in baby pool with clothes on"). I got a little cranky by day 5. Poor Dear Husband, didn't deserve cranky wife.

Dear Husband had a great time seeing his family. They were all so thrilled, relieved and happy to see him. If you could have seen his Grandmas and Aunt Sharons hugs, they would have made you cry. Closed eye hugs, thanking God hugs. Those kind of hugs should be private. Dear Husband got to see most of his family.

We did manage to go to the Henry Doorley Zoo in Omaha. We were blessed with 70 degree weather. It is really a great zoo. We also managed to get to Cabela's in Kansas City on the way home, stayed at the Great Wolf Lodge for a couple of nights.

There is a lot to tell, and will be posting like mad.

I will be going to Tunica this coming weekend with girlfriends...For a spa and gambling weekend. Dear Husband is a Saint, and knows I need a vacation.....A real one this time.