Thursday, November 25, 2010

So what can I do?

just keep swimming, just keep swimming....

I will manage wonderfully I am sure.

The anxiety, occurred to me about 1 1/2 weeks ago. The part that flummuxes me "I have been in far more stressful situations than this, what gives?" I am still unsure. I have been reading my Beth Moore Out of The Pit, book.

Still flummuxed. At least my eye is not twitchy, normally if I flip out I have an eye twitch.

Tomorrow will help, nothing beats kitchen therapy. I have my 4 pies made, 2 pumpkin, 2 custard. I have my relishes ready to go.

OK it is morning, my turkeys are in, the 25 pounder is in my roaster, the 14.5 pound is in the oven. Giblets, and necks are on the stovetop with broth, chopped onion, garlic, parsley, celery and butter.

I only need to peel sweet potatoes, and russets.

The dog just ate my basting brush....

The big thing I have left is cleaning paw prints off of the carpet from when the dog came running in the house last night....see a trend? I am hoping Thanksgiving does not end in the dog consuming one of the entire turkeys ala Christmas Story. I doubt if my Dad would like Chinese food today.

Yesterday we spent the holiday with DH's family, lots of people around 30, most of which SR does not spend a lot of time with....he was not thrilled for 2 hours, and then settled down. thank God, for the first 2 hours, he spent his time trying to create order, in what he felt was chaotic....trying to write rules for tag, trying to figure out why all of the noise etc. I went and ate with him in the basement, and he seemed fine. He joined the rest of us later.

I will be fine, no need to circle the nervous hospital vans, and a little white jacket with snazzy sleeves, at least yet.

I am so Thankful for my job, you have no idea, they are understanding, and the time I have missed because of Pyschologist appointments, IEPS, Hawaii has virtually been ignored. I worked as a nurse for years, which meant I worked almost every single holiday for almost 15 years, and sure you got time and a half, but I recall longing for my family. It is nice working 9-to mostly 3 to 5, leaving my job at work, and having every single weekend off, holidays, etc.

I am also thankful for my MIL being in my home, and having someone here who adores my little family. When I am able to work extra hours, have to go to a meeting, she is able to haul, and organize the collective. I will also mention I have not had to do laundry for about 9 months...that RULES.

I am thankful my Father, and his girlfriend have seemed to turn the corner as far as there health concerns, and I have not had to visit anyone in a hospital for almost 4 months?

I am thankful to have wonderful, and understanding friends, who have tolerated me, during one of my most "this is all consuming and not fair" mood of the year. I hate that I feel both of those ways, but I have felt that way....and I know let go and let God, I also know life is not fair. So I know better, and they tolerated my crying and gnashing over the phone, and they have extended a hand and pulled me to my feet gently, never once saying "hey lady, things could be worse, grow up, get your eggs in a basket and carry on"....

I am thankful my Husband got a promotion, seems fulfilled at work, and has been helping with the Collective, all of SR concerns, and plugged in. He seems happier, and at peace, I have not seen him so content in a long time.

I am going to finish cooking this morning, and meditate on these things, we are blessed.

Hebrews 12:28

Wherefore we receiving a kingdom which cannot be moved, let us have grace, whereby we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear:

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Anxiety is not my friend...

In not so good news I am in perimenapause, it is the slowest, most ickiest train ride ever...thank you.

In other news, I am now noting I am having a lot of anxiety that is affecting my mood, and my normal reaction to joyful events, my joy is short lived, my energy is down. I will take responsibility for it.

I am not taking tremendous care of myself, I have not done yoga in AGES. Which is what was helping me keep centered, and giving me time out of my head.

There is a lot going on around here, much of which I cannot write about at the current time, but will share when I can. What is going on around me is making me anxious.

I am spending tremendous energy trying to look cool as a cucumber, when I actually want to run screaming.....not that it would help. My goal for the day is to remain calm, keep it even, have appropropriate conversations, and respond appropriately when spoken to. Really that is my goal, make it through the day appearing too be normal.

I have had anxiety issues before, mostly situational, high stress situations, which frankly if they did not cause anxiety, you would think I was made of stone....

So I am here to recognize it, I need out of my head.

the explanation will come soon, and it will be understood...but for now pray for peace of mind please

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I am home, playing catch up

Here are a couple of photos from the SpouseBuzz Live event. I am so lucky to be part of SpouseBuzz, and blessed to have these strong and resilient women in my corner.

I must add here, that at the last SpouseBuzz in Idaho, I found out one of the other SpouseBuzz authors was in the process of getting her son tested for an Autistic spectrum disorder as well. I am impressed with how she is moving forward, and trusting her Mom instincts, and I am glad to have her as company in this journey.

I am also glad to have a nice group of strong women to listen to, and who listen to me. They are my friends, and I admire each of them. Let me also mention I laughed and laughed for my entire trip. (Except for the flights). I laughed so much I had to know where the bathroom was every single place I went. (Hate turning 40, and yes I do my excercises).

We spent a lot of time on the beach with the sun on our skin, and sand under our toes. I needed this, for many reasons. I am rested and ready to move forward.

Friday, November 05, 2010


Headed to Hawaii for SpouseBuzz Live event. Unplugged for a few days.

Going to sit in the sand, and pray.

Have some reading to do, and movies to watch....going to care for myself for a few days.

PN unhappy about my departure and cried tonight....she is better now, I explained most of my trip would be spent in airports. She wants to come with. Who can blame her?

IEP meeting one took place, as well as the rest of our feedback session.

Monday, November 01, 2010

Halloween made me cry

SR now knows he has Asperger's, he does not know all of the details, who does? There is such a variance on the spectrum. We had our feedback session at the psychologist the other day, and he asked to go, I called the Dr. making sure it was ok. So DH and I did not get our entire feedback session, re: all of the testing yet. SR had a lot of questions, was fidgety, and did not like the word autistic. After the session was done he told me he felt "lighter". Mission accomplished.

SR has been doing so well, that Halloween seemed like it should be ok. He chose to go as sodium chloride, PN went as a hula girl. We have a great neighborhood for trick or treating, so I decided to have company. We had 11 folks here. He avoided the crowd, and idle chitter chatter for the most part. Too much blah, blah, not enough discussion about chemistry, or biology. Too much talking, too many people. Too many social expectations that do not make sense to his wiring.

He ended up in sensory overload, needing to touch people, and smash into them, being too excited at one point when the kids were playing in the basement. He pushed his Sister when out trick or treating.

So why was I such a wuss? He has not done this in a while, I felt bad for putting him in an awkward position. Seeing a "normal" 8 year old, in the same house. It put me in some weird state of blinking orange light overload. After the lights went down, and the house got quiet, I had a moment. DH and MIL trying to comfort me over "at least he knew when to go to your bedroom and be alone and watch cartoons etc.....". I am an extrovert, as is DH and PN. Even SR is extroverted, and enjoys people, so it makes holiday time a curse of sorts. As much as he adores people, he really cannot stand the chaos of company for very long. Which means the Holidays are just hard. I cried because there are moments this syndrome seems sooo unfair, like the most cruel thing to place on a child. It makes me angry.

I have tried to explain to many people over the years, the anxiety of having a child like this. It is like being in a tornado watch all of the time. My Motherhood light blinks all of the time. Most of the time it blinks yellow, but when it blinks orange or yellow for excessive amounts of time......not fun. With PN, my light does not blink all day, it rarely turns yellow. SR's Mom light is on all of the time, going from 70% yellow, 10% red, and 20% orange. The orange, and red places are not fun.