Friday, December 30, 2005

You Lookin' At Me?

Ughhhh my chi is off, out, and done.

Today has been a long day for me, jumbled, unorganized, thoughts fleeting, and I am left feeling angry one minute, and like I might cry the next like some sort of pyscho.

I will blame my lack of a physical outlet. Due to my right knee (still injured)...I have been unable to participate in much of any sort of physical activity besides activities of daily living. Both my general Practicioner and the Orthopedist, recommended I lay off of it until I can get in. In fact they recommended an ace bandage about 12 hours out of the day, the leg elevated, and just staying off it as much as possible. I do have an appointment on January 3rd, with the Orthopedist. So till then I am trying to baby the damn knee as much as I can. However, it seems to get reinjured with the slightest of "quick moves". No I am not running a race, but with "the toddlers", it seems I pivot more than a prima ballerina.

My body has served me fairly well. I am rarely sick, never hospitalized with the exception of birth in which with Pink Ninja I showed up at 9 1/2 cm, and left a few hours later. I am not a good patient. I do not like being "pastured".

The injury means "no yoga". Which has killed me. It has killed me. It has killed me. The physicality of it, the progress I was making. Not only physically, but the meditative state I was able to fall into within 2 minutes after class, with my breathing. All gone. My tummy that was resembling my younger tummy, back to Mom tummy....The holidays, and my lack of self control have not helped.

The "zone" I create during yoga, the time out of the house, the fact that it is the nicest thing I do for myself. Ugh....Gone. I sit here and I recall how we end each yoga class before meditation time, and I can hear my instructor saying this...

"I want you to go inside yourself and I want you to picture yourself succeeding in that one thing you most want to succeed in everyday". When she asks us this, I ALWAYS picture myself smiling as I interact with my children. Because it is the one thing I NEED to succeed at. If I fail them, all else I do will matter little.

So I sit here today, grouchy, not smiling and pissy. I sit here pondering the lesson in this. There is one I know. There is always a gift underneath the ugliest of wrapping paper. The gift is sometimes even uglier than the paper.

However I guess I should unwrap the damn thing, and take a look. Sometimes utility is not pretty.

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