Saturday, March 19, 2005

Satisfy My Soul

I am still feeling "separate" from Dear Husband. 18 months of different day to day existence can do this. So I stand on the outside now and try and imagine his life.

He is a "rules" kind of guy, he doesn't tell, and I don't ask.

The other day we were in the truck on the way to the bookstore and I asked....."Does it feel weird driving your truck?" I got a small glimpse into his head. He said. " I still don't like driving under the overpasses and over bridges. Random garbage on the shoulders makes me edgey." That small glimpse was enough for me that day. I haven't asked another question. Maybe later.

That first night alone the hotel....When the children finally fell asleep. I clung to him and cried. I am not a big crier-try not to be anyway. Reunion is frightening, and you feel lucky, blessed, cheated, alone, and guilty. You want to hear "the story" that proves you have every right to feel lucky and blessed, but you don't want to hear it.

So you lie on a bed in a dimly lit hotel room, and you watch your babies sleep in peace. You put your head on your husbands chest, and you hear his heart beating, and you can smell him for the first time in months, and you can feel his hands on your back, and you cry as quietly as you can.

The tears come....and you try and stop them. All of the worry, gratefulness, sorrow, and love. You cry for him, and his lost brothers, and for the widows that must cry in the shower, so their children can't hear them.

You feel guilty for the tears on his chest, and he pulls you to his mouth and tries to kiss your tears away. No one says a word- and you swear you can hear your tears dropping onto his flesh, and you can hear his heart beating..........And it is the best sound in the World right now.


Anonymous said...

God...I remeber feeling that wahy when my husband came home and he was only gone eight months. I could not have imagined my own feelings desrcibed so exact by someone else...Thank you for sharing such a beautiful,difficult moment.

airforcewife said...

That's exactly how it feels. On the one hand, you know and love this person even more than ever; but it is obvious that no matter how much you were able to talk while they were gone, different experiences have made things different than before.

It takes some getting used to.

Caltechgirl said...

exactly. And mine was only across CONUS. Congratulations on having your family back together again.

Just take it one day at a time and give each other some slack. You've both been changed dramatically by the time you've spent apart, but don't forget to hold each other close and build each other up.

Anonymous said...

Tammi was right - I didn't make it to the bottom with dry eyes.

Stacy said...

I am glad that your husband is home, and I am sure that it is a really big adjustment. It has only been two months since my son has been gone, but it seems like forever and a day, but I am already counting them down. Good luck to you, your husband and children.