During the last 18 months I have been on a sort of "Vision Quest"....Of what kind of wife I would like to be.
The day I had to say goodbye to him was terrible.....Because you want to fall to pieces, you want to lay on the floor and scream. You want to say to the universe "NOT FAIR!". You can't! You have to be proud, and say "see you soon"....Little tears.....My soldier has enough to worry about without thinking of me falling to pieces back here. Plus I was afraid if I started the big cry, it would not stop.
(See Tammi's post http://RoadWarriorSurvival.com today)
I tried to be the wife Dear Husband did not have to worry about during his deployment. He knew I was capable of paying bills, making smart investments, not buying crap, raising bright children, keeping up with the house.
The deployment was a scary one, lots of men in husbands Brigade died, many injured. Every time I heard of an IED or mortar, my heart sank. Every time I did not hear from husband due to "phones and internet being administratively shut off" ....So families could be notified of injuries or death - I would shudder. The doorbell would ring and I would feel like puking. The phone would ring and it would be someone saying "did you just hear about that bombing?".
I got to the point I would only watch news at night I did not want the children hearing the news did get some news on Internet......and the Milbloggers....thank God for the milbloggers....you saved my ass. Particularly Matt at http://blackfiveblogs.com . There are more that need to be included.......all of you because I scoured for hours at night for anything....a little word, a photo.
(Once again when I have 10 hours to figure out blogroll... I will be posting all of these Bloggers)
Every night I would think about our marriage. I would think about all of the things I needed to improve about myself, to make me better. We do have a great marriage, I think we are dynamic....and adaptible. I just wanted and want MORE for us. I want my husband to smile everytime he sees my face, and melt everytime I kiss him, because everytime I see him I wonder what I ever did to deserve such a great man. To be in love.....is marvelous and intoxicating...I just want to keep it that way until death parts us.
I must add this ...I never felt "alone"....during his deployment. Never. I was never lonely. I yearned for him, and missed him, but always knew I would never be lonely again.
Monday, March 14, 2005
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just read through your complete blog. got to say KEEP IT UP! i'm sure there are lots of wives of returning soldiers who feel the same as you, but keep too much under wraps. you feel what you feel.feelings are true, neither right nor wrong. they just are.
Let me know if you need help with your blogroll and stuff...I can help you out if you wish.
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