Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Cheaper than therapy

My blog has to be the cheapest form of therapy, although I have hit a plateu of sorts. You see when I started the blog, my intent was to use it, as a tool to get it out, feel better. Of course, since my name remains anonymous, and few photos of me exist on the blog, (although there are some), it would be SAFE.

However, as the last year and a half has passed, I have met some of you. In fact I would guess, I have met at least 1/2 of my day to day readership. Some of us chat on the phone. We have become friends.

So now I am finding, gee there is some stuff I would love to put on this damn thing. But sadly cannot, out of embarassing myself, (like the vagina blogging hasn't done that...nope it hasn't). I also, made a deal a long time ago that this was not a device to hurt anyone. (celebrities are open game)There are also some things that are simply too..personal. Although the reason I am staving off my gynocological surgery would make an interesting and informative topic, yet I am finding it too taboo to discuss.

There is also, my Dear old Dad. Our once golden and good relationship has become muddied, and foggy...and I hate it. I will say this. I continue to be open and give. It could be a lot of things, his mortality, and his need to distance himself. It also could be something else. I love him.

I came to the painful realization the other day, that I do not think I could be "back home" right now.

I could not handle it emotionally, or otherwise. Believe it or not, even with my Mother being gone for almost 5 years, I am still exhausted from it. The experiance of caring for her, in its entirity, although was fullfilling and eased my pain, it exhausted me. Still....A lifetime of caring for patients of all kinds, and that is what did me in? I am not up for "caring" for my Dad right now.

The other night I told my Husband, there was no way I could do it now. Some of that could be my current medical issues. They are really just exhausting. Pain, is exahusting, I am unable to care for myslef in the manner I like. There is no yoga, no walking right now. It is all painful.

He said this

"I can't imagine?"

I just stood looking at him in horror, and was glad there was no mirror around.

This is something I found shocking. Me, AWTM the rock, willing to hold hands with dying, have a husband deployed, make a mean head cheese while 9 months pregnant...and I am spent.

My Dear Husband, who knows I am the Queen of handling it, can see the cracks right now. Damn, that is not good. That is not who I am. I am the Queen of handling shit of all sorts. Heck, what happened? Am I going soft? Oh please tell me I am not going soft.

This better be temporary. This better be related to my health problems.

Because, if there is something I have always been able to depend on, it was myself, and my abiltity to hold it together. Whatever "it" may be. I can fix it. I can do it, let me do it, I have done that. I have been there and done that.

1 comment:

Tori Lennox said...

*hugs* sweetie. Hang in there!