Boudicca, brought up Tori Amos the other day, in a post about memorial, and remembering those who are left behind. It is raining, and I am finding us at the mercy of Casa De Dust-- yet again.
So, I get out my Tori Amos, and I think I have found the music for the day. Although, I am reminded that May is a hard month, it is the anniversary of my Mothers death soon. Today, while listening to Tori I too recollected moments, brief moments of laughter and smiles, and tears. Those last words I had heard from her. The words, which I thought I would not forget, have been clouded by the "real meaning"... Which at the time was too hard to say.
The moment, I sat down with my brother and asked with him to allow her to go. Only to have him look at me with questioning eyes. Knowing, that after he said them she would exhale one last time.
He said them. He told her "God would take care of us".
It was what she needed to hear.
And although she had been laying in her bed for days with eyes closed, and unable to speak, or eat or move.
A tear fell from her eye.
And She did it...one final breath.
One final goodbye.
And there were tears in the hallway.
And all I could think was, how absolutley beautiful she looked, finally free from pain.
And for a moment, I hated myself for telling my Brother to let her go, because it worked.
And she was gone.....
Time has passed, and the day to day seems to have gotten a bit better. However, the moments that you can feel the moment of loss, see it, and feel it. Those moments are fewer, but seem to get harder.
I will be returning to my Mother's kitchen soon. I have been asked to collect her posessions that I would like.
I want the Angel Food cake pan that my Mother baked my birthday cakes on. The angel food cake, that would sit upside down on the counter top on a glass coke bottle.
~ now where on Earth do I find a tall glass coke bottle.