Sunday, May 08, 2005

If I could call heaven today.....

You know this is a hard holiday for me. Something about being a Motherless Mom, makes Mother's day really hard. I think, it is because the only person that really appreciates how hard being a Mom it is gone. Yeah being a Mom is much harder than I thought it would be.

I should be thankful you got to see Dash for the first 4 months of his life. Your first Granchild. 3 years after your death you have 3 gorgeous Grandbabies. They are the most gorgeous babies you have seen, and of course smart as whips. Whenever we all happen to be together, we cannot help but get a little teary and say, "wouldn't she have spoiled these babies rotten?"

You have missed what has been a hard year for me Mom, you have no idea how many times I picked up the phone to call you. I did have the dialog with you, and I could hear you saying this. "That's how life is, it isn't fair." "You had better buck up girl, you have babies to take care of." So that is what I did.

You were a good Mom, and I know it was hard for you. I know that being the oldest female daughter out of 12 children, was something you hated. Long days, chores on the ranch, chores in the house, with little free time can be hard on a little girl.

I recall having a conversation with you at about 3am in the morning when you were sick and neither of us could sleep. I asked you, if you ever had a baby doll. You quickly answered..."No, I already had enough babies to take care of, who would want a doll."

I learned some things after your death, I wish you just would have told us. I found out that your Uncle and Aunt came to the farm in the mail truck, and took you away. They knew if they did not take you, you would never get out of there. Why you kept all of these secrets I will never know. Finding out all of these important pieces of you, made that bitter part of your spirit make sense.

So, I want you to know I do love you, and I can hear you in my thoughts. You did the best you knew how. I forgive you for a lot of things. I hope you forgive me. I just wish you could see these babies.

I don't really like Mother's Day.

6 comments:

VW said...

{{Hugs}}

Boudicca said...

It is a difficult time for my husband. It hurts my heart every Mother's Day.

We do the same thing with Son#3.. we have family get togethers and we say, "She woulda loved this boy." He is the most like my husband, the pain in the neck that he is.

My heart hurts for you, but you need to know, that as your children grow older, and they can communicate, and they're in school... they are going to make this holiday have a different significance for you. I promise. You will still miss your Mom and your throat will constrict, but it will be bittersweet instead of just sad.

Sissy said...

Just keep remembering those memories. Your children will want to hear them.

Your mom is looking out for you and your children. She's guiding you every step of the way.

Graumagus said...

I know exactly what you mean. It tears me up every time I think about how much my mom would have loved to hold the grandchild she never had a chance to meet.

Quality Weenie said...

The same is true for me for Father's Day.

It's hard to celebrate it with my FIL and husband all the while thinking how unfair it is and just wanting to crawl into bed and forget about the day all together.

I hate the day when I have to go buy a Father's Day card for my FIL only.

Katy said...

My mother has passed as well, but I know our mothers watch over us. Happy Mother's Day to you. :)
Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs