I will admit I am done. Unsure if it is my age, the week, the over thinking, but seriously I am done. If I could find a way to turn off my brain, soak, and have a drink of wine I think I might be ok. that is not motherhood though, it is continuous.
Tonight DH and I are hitting the town, perhaps dinner, drinks, and a movie...we have had date night 2 times since April. He too is exhausted by the time Friday gets here.
SR had 3 good days this week, 1 day of recovery, and 1 bad day. It is what it is at this point. Right now it is school, it is exhausting to him. Once he knows what to expect, normally it is good, but he is slow to adjust, and for some reason it is not being realized. The bad thing about being sooo high functioning 90% of the time, is that when you are having one of your 10% days, people think you are being a spoiled brat, and can control yourself...how we wish. How he wishes. He expresses to me almost every 48 hours how he WISHES he was normal, and how he wished God created him differently. Right now he is in the middle of some sort of existential crises. Which is sad, seeing that he is only 8.
I have had to become queen of the pep talk, the queen of silver linings. The pep talks, and encouragement lasting hours.
The one thing he is proud of is his intelligence and grasp of concepts, but in our society this is not really allowed to be celebrated. No I do not want an arrogant child. But while everyone is celebrating soccer, baseball trophies, there are visible belts that are earned in karate as you master skills, and he sits on the outside.....unable to celebrate that he is brilliant, well it is sorta sad, and as his Mother it is frustrating. WE cannot tell anyone about his academic accomplishments, because it looks like we are bragging, and creating a monster.
He still cannot compete in any sort of team events, he does not understand social dynamics all of the time, he is also prone to perfection, even though we have not pushed him in that direction. It is typical for what we believe is ailing him. He is not only a perfectionist, but a people pleaser. A dangerous combination.
the other day I went to the GP, he went ahead and ran the tests I requested, and he looked at me sad, our GP and our family have grown attached to one another. He looked at me, like a Father with sadness. Like he wanted to say.."I wish I could fix this". "I will test for whatever you want, you have done your research, he is your child, Mothers know things"....
whatever it is, it is. It is not new. WE have been working and doing for 8 years. We have made progress in this time too. All of us. I have learned patience, and empathy for other parents with children that struggle. So the "welcome to the club" crap is getting old. It is not a new club, they are just giving us our secret t-shirts now. We have been in the club....
Tonight I escape my reality