Thursday, February 02, 2006

Shell Game

I run across the street to visit Tammi. I understand this, although on a different level than Tammi. I used to be able to eat my weight in lard, and not have it matter. I was the tall skinny girl, by chance and not effort. This is probably a good thing looking back, because I could have easily had an eating disorder, if not for my high metabolism. When I graduated high school I was 5 7' and 98 pounds, and thought I was "a big girl"....(If you go back into my archives, there are a million self deprecating posts on my own body issues, ok maybe not a million---close). However it all changed once I got pregnant and older. I am curvier now, "curvier". It is a daily struggle for me to look in the mirror, or pictures. The food is a struggle, I am from very Hearty European stock (sausage makers by trade). Plus I love food, I love cooking for people, and hearing the gratifying "ummmmmmmm" from a chewing mouth. It too pleases my ear.

So I sit here and try and think of ONE, just ONE woman I know who is happy with her body. I have known a lot of beautiful women. I cannot think of ONE single woman I know who is completely "happy" with her shell.

If I find her, I want her secret, because I want my daughter to be that ONE woman.

Obsessions, Dysmorphia, Pleasure, .......A delicate balance for most of us.

-So I am reading Tammi, and I look down at my yoga book. My instructor has hand written at the top of the page

"Yoga allows me to keep my body as such that it will not become a distraction"

The yoga has helped, I do not look svelt, or like I did 10 years ago. I am far from my old 98 pounds. However, I am so much stronger. My body is stronger, I can breathe, I can use my breath to hold poses for a great length of time. I am proud of myself, and my progress, my body.

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