I am still feeling "separate" from Dear Husband. 18 months of different day to day existence can do this. So I stand on the outside now and try and imagine his life.
He is a "rules" kind of guy, he doesn't tell, and I don't ask.
The other day we were in the truck on the way to the bookstore and I asked....."Does it feel weird driving your truck?" I got a small glimpse into his head. He said. " I still don't like driving under the overpasses and over bridges. Random garbage on the shoulders makes me edgey." That small glimpse was enough for me that day. I haven't asked another question. Maybe later.
That first night alone the hotel....When the children finally fell asleep. I clung to him and cried. I am not a big crier-try not to be anyway. Reunion is frightening, and you feel lucky, blessed, cheated, alone, and guilty. You want to hear "the story" that proves you have every right to feel lucky and blessed, but you don't want to hear it.
So you lie on a bed in a dimly lit hotel room, and you watch your babies sleep in peace. You put your head on your husbands chest, and you hear his heart beating, and you can smell him for the first time in months, and you can feel his hands on your back, and you cry as quietly as you can.
The tears come....and you try and stop them. All of the worry, gratefulness, sorrow, and love. You cry for him, and his lost brothers, and for the widows that must cry in the shower, so their children can't hear them.
You feel guilty for the tears on his chest, and he pulls you to his mouth and tries to kiss your tears away. No one says a word- and you swear you can hear your tears dropping onto his flesh, and you can hear his heart beating..........And it is the best sound in the World right now.